I’ve spent most of my life trying to earn something that was never meant to be earned…
Because of things that happened to me when I was just a child, I learned early on to believe a lie: that love and acceptance had to be worked for. Please don’t get me wrong, in a lot of ways, I had an amazing childhood, but because of a split family, I had family that wanted nothing to do with me. They made excuses as to why, but the truth at the end of the day was they didn’t even really try. I grew up wondering what was wrong with me? Why didn’t they want me? Was there anything I could do? This planted something deep inside of me that I had no idea was even there. This idea that if I could just do enough… be enough… help enough… then maybe someone would want me, see me, choose me.
That lie shaped a lot of who I became. It made me into someone who would push myself past empty just to fill someone else’s cup. Someone who would neglect my own soul in hopes that someone else might love me a little more. It was until after the midlife of my life after I had lived what was probably over half of my life that I discovered what a mess I was and the beginning of understanding why. Although I have understanding, it still creeps into my thoughts and living. And while there is a part of me that knows better, it is my own struggle of the flesh and spirit that is almost a daily battle that at times leaves me stranded and feeling so alone.
I still catch myself trying too hard most days and getting in my own way. I often say: I am my own worst enemy!” I like to think I am learning, but I must admit that some days the evidence is just not there. I say learning, because I have such a long way to go. So here is what I am learning and maybe it will help somebody else too.
You can live a lifetime trying to win the approval of people… even the ones closest to you… and still come up empty. Because what you’re really hungry for is not their love—it’s His. No other person can give you what you really need, just like you cannot give to any other person what they really need. The reality is, that in the flesh, we will all keep failing one another, because the flesh gets in the way of our Spirit and it is going to be that way until Jesus comes and makes it right.
The only love that truly satisfies is the love that doesn’t have to be earned and that is the love of Jesus. Steady. Unchanging. Enough. You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to perform. You are already loved—completely and just as you are.
And that, my friend, is the beginning of healing.
-MJHarvell
Michael Joe Harvell 